Joined: Oct 2004 Gender: Female Posts: 245 Location: Georgia
Divorced & Single Parents « Thread Started on Oct 29, 2004, 12:39pm »
Divorce & Single Parenting
Today, many marriages end in divorce and in many cases parents are choosing joint custody arrangements for their children. This means that any major decisions are shared, and that the kids spend ample time with both parents. While this arrangement is often better for children, it can be challenging for the parents. Laurie Coulter, author of "Two Homes" says that the secret to successful shared parenting begins with a positive outlook. "I think it's important to first, not view yourself as a failure because your marriage has ended. I like to talk of marriages ending rather than failing, and I think we have to believe our children aren’t going to be failures because a marriage has ended."
Laurie adds, "When a marriage has ended the family simply becomes a different type of family. It becomes two units each headed by a parent rather than one unit headed by two parents."
While there are often feeling of anger and bitterness between parents, in order to co-parent successfully it’s vital that these feelings are put aside so that parents can "develop a parenting partnership based on the needs of the child rather than your own needs", says Coulter.
But for divorced parents, separated from their children by hundreds or thousands of miles, shared parenting needs to be handled differently. In this situation remaining a part of your child’s life in spite of the miles separating you, has it’s own challenges. Family therapist Timothy Bentley says when you do have some one on one time with your child, it may "require a light touch and a more gentle hand, allowing the child to set more of the standard of how they wish to behave so that you’re not coming down with an artificial and foreign regime for the child."
How do I know God loves me? Because he sent me Suge!
Joined: Nov 2004 Gender: Male Posts: 94
Re: Divorced & Single Parents « Reply #1 on Nov 16, 2004, 11:12am »
I can say from my own personal experience that parenting is these circumstances is indeed challenging; but success CAN be achieved.
One of the primary reasons Suge and I did not move out of state (which was at the time seemingly the only way to purchase a home), because it would have made it difficult for my children to see me on a regular basis. Moreover, my Ex (who is also saved) oftentimes goes from wanting to be my "friend" (which wasn't the case when we were married) to being my enemy (because now I'm happy); so I completely understand some of the many challenges which can arise from co-parenting because of separation and/or divorce.
However, the key is to co-parenting success in these types of situations is (1) trusting God; (2) having patience; and (3) not allowing personal feelings, no matter how strong (or right they may seem) to be the primary reason for major decisions regarding the kids. If you achieve these three goals, half the battle is won.
Joined: Nov 2004 Gender: Female Posts: 38 Location: Northern Virginia
Re: Divorced & Single Parents « Reply #2 on Nov 16, 2004, 6:27pm »
Being the "victim" of a very difficult and painful divorce, I can tell you it is horrible for everyone involved. OH BUT GOD!!!
Our youngest child has suffered the most as a result of this -- the deceitfulness, the lies, the long-drawn out legal battle. It affects the children, and other families as well, not to mention the financial devastation it can bring.
I am trusting God to continue to help us through -- especially the new medical issues we are being challenged with.
How do I know God loves me? He sent me to my Boaz!
Joined: Nov 2004 Gender: Female Posts: 178 Location: heaven bound
Re: Divorced & Single Parents « Reply #3 on Nov 16, 2004, 8:54pm »
It is all very difficult at best. Norm and I have been blessed by the grace of God to bring together "8 is enough" involving 5 sets of OPs (other parents and in some cases associated spouses - saved, so-called, and unsaved) - and our children get along well. We have a nearby-neighbor whose adult-child's children can not stand each other with a lot of ugliness going on. Making life work (by work I mean something the child/parent can deal with as best as possible with or without their cooperation) with OPs is difficult - and many families are now like us with several OPs - waiting for the sitcom to come out.
As parents we must remain bible-based and prayed up and stayed on Jesus! There is no other way - Divorce, Single or Remarried.
Tit 3:9 & "They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick.... I will have mercy, and not sacrifice: I am not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentanance."
Re: Divorced & Single Parents « Reply #4 on Nov 17, 2004, 9:32am »
What we as divorced parents must realize is that the focus must remain on the children. I have been divorced for about 6 years now. What I realize the most is that children love unconditionally, no matter what. When we make them choose or bring negativity reagarding our ex spouse it only confuses them. I am happy to say that I have a good relationship with my children's father. It's taken alot of maturing, fasting and God knows prayer. When your own selfish desires are put aside for the sake of children then healing can begin. Communication and boundaries are key. The children need to know that no matter what happens they are loved by both parents equally. I must say with God's divine insight my children have and are adjusting well. Respect and patience seem to work for us.
How do I know God loves me? Because he sent me Suge!
Joined: Nov 2004 Gender: Male Posts: 94
Re: Divorced & Single Parents « Reply #5 on Nov 17, 2004, 10:00am »
My divorce was difficult. Not so much in that it happened, but more so because my ex said and did very ungodly things, and yet thinks there are no consequences for these actions. If it were left to her, I'd almost never see my kids, and she'd get probably double in child support than what she already does (which is excessive already).
I'm not against supporting one's own's kids (because I raised a few on my own), but its wrong when a mother uses the court system to try to punish and destroy the children's father because she's hurt that the marriage did not work out (even though she was the one who left). She did all she could to stop the judge from awarding me joint custody (even though some of the kids wanted to live with me), and then gave false testimony so she could get an exorbitant amount of child support.
However, because God knows all and sees all, in the end, I see my kids basically whenever they want and God blessed me with a job that allows me to not only provide for my own household, but also pay an unusually high amount of child support for my daughters.
Because of having gone through this madness, I try to get couples to go to pre-marital counseling so that situations like what I experience do not happen to them. Sometimes we think we know what's best when in fact its the worse thing for us; so its better to let God lead us to a mate that will be a blessing, rather than to let our eyes decide....
Joined: Nov 2004 Gender: Female Posts: 38 Location: Northern Virginia
Re: Divorced & Single Parents « Reply #6 on Nov 27, 2004, 9:44am »
As a result of my very difficult and painful divorce, it has caused me not to be able to open up to anyone.
The minute I see deceitful behavior from some 'intended" prospect, I head for the hills. I had never dated a saved man before, but the few guys that I've come across are "interesting' to say the least.
It seems like these brothas are looking for a sistah to wait on them hand and foot and they are all about what their needs are.
After being on my own for 8 years now, it becomes harder because, through Christ, I take care of me and my children.
I know I need help, for none of us is perfect. I know it is using wisdom to beware of the wolves in sheeps clothing, but I have to be careful not to be judgmental and lose a wonderful opportunity.
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